Jumpshot, Slapshot--NHL and NBA Roundups

Here we go.

NHL

Eastern Conference

Philadelphia: Flying, but issued warning after those hits. The city of brotherly love, this is not.

New York Rangers: Hey, you beat the Islanders what, one out of three? Four? so far?

New Jersey Devils: EIGHT STRAIGHT! I love this, I am once again proud to be a Devils' fan!

NY Islanders: Better than fourth place, but they have to start scoring to prove it.

Pittsburgh: Same ole' same ole, huh?


Ottawa: Learning the hard way, it's not how you start that matters.

Boston: What the heck are these guys doing here? Did they get an SI cover or something?

Montreal: Come on, back to the top where you belong!

Toronto: What's this, a win?

Buffalo: Umm, yeah. I know you play in the frozen wasteland of Upstate NY, but come on now...


Carolina: Better than the Panthers (the football ones)

Atlanta: Can you please decide if you're going to be good or bad?

Tampa Bay: Stick to football. Or possibly baseball. (Did I really just say that?)

Florida: Normally it'd be a roar, but right now it seems like a meow.

Washington: RIP Sean Taylor. The 'Skins played with some heart, would be nice for the Caps to do the same thing.


Western Conference

Detroit: Carry on.

St. Louis: See above.

Columbus: Out of the cellar I like.

Chicago: Not your year, is it?

Nashville: Stick to the Winter Meetings. Or something.


Vancouver: Putting together a nice string...7-2-1 in last 10.

Minnesota: Something to detract from the Johan Santana blubber.

Colorado: Not the Avs of old.

Edmonton: Guess you kind of miss Gretzky, huh?

Calgary: League's biggest disappointment thus far?


Dallas: Much better.

San Jose: Well, as long as you're swimming and not sinking...

Anaheim: Still got a lot of work to do.

Phoenix: Again, not in last place.

LA Kings: Well, I never really saw LA as a hockey town...



NBA

Eastern Conference

Boston: Orlando's better.

Toronto: Well, at least one Toronto team lives up to expectations.

New Jersey: Not as good as their record. Please get better, Nenad Kristic! Still though, not New York.

New York: A joke at this point.

Philadelphia: Well, at least they aren't defying expectations.


Detroit: Carry on. (Detroit is apparently King of Winter Sports).

Indiana: Exceeding expectations.

Milwaukee: See above.

Cleveland: In deep shitake mushrooms without LBJ.

Chicago: This was once Jordan's team?


Orlando: Better than Boston.

Washington: Treading water.

Atlanta: Performing below expectations.

Charlotte: Carolina fans are best off sticking to hockey.

Miami: *point and laugh*


Western Conference:

Utah: Get the road record up, and then we'll talk.

Denver: Have I mentioned 'Melo yet?

Portland: When a 6-12 team is in third place...umm...

Seattle: Ah. That's why.

Minnesota: Stick to hockey and Santana.


Phoenix: Well, at least Phoenix has one viable sports team

LA Lakers: No Kobe trade? Eh.

Golden State: Won't be surprised to see these guys make the playoffs.

Sacramento: Once upon a time, these guys were good.

LA Clippers: These guys, not so much.


San Antonio: Would find a way to beat both the Celtics and Magic combined.

New Orleans: See Phoenix.

Dallas: Stick to football. Or hockey.

Houston: Still waiting for Year of the Yao.

Memphis: Stick to the Winter Meetings.



I am exhausted, and I still have finals to go. It's been an intense week, to say the least.

A Quickie

1) My thesis proposal has been accepted, which of course means now I have to write the whole thing.

2) Webcast at SportstalkNY at 9 PM. If you're around, you should certainly tune in, unless, of course, you can't stand my voice. There will also be reports on the Rangers, Giants, Mets, Nets and Jets.

3) It's unlikely I'll be able to get to the NHL/NBA roundup tonight (the end of the semester does this to people), but I'll try. If not, look for it tomorrow.

Slippery When Wet (NHL and NBA Roundups)

So I didn't do this last week because I had to do (my not-so-good) football picks a day early, so let's see if I can get back into the swing of things.

NHL

Eastern Conference

Philadelphia: So I know Philly's not exactly the city of brotherly love, but dude, enough with the hits already.

NY Rangers: Hey, they're getting better press than the Knicks for once. Who wudda thunk it?

NY Islanders: Still...uh...getting no press?

NJ Devils: Brodeur's 500th win was like A-Rod's 500th HR: now that he has it, he's on a tear. As is the team. Colin White and Jaime Langenbrunner might also have something to do with it.

Pittsburgh: Sidney, you're fun to watch, but MVPs are generally given to players when their team wins


Ottawa: Five losses now? Geez, what's happened up north?

Montreal: Maybe they'll actually be playing in May? That'd be pretty awesome.

Boston: Eh, give 'em an SI cover like the Pats/Sox/Celtics, and then see what they do.

Buffalo: Moving up in the world! Or, at least, on the US/Canada border...

Toronto: Dude. Not cool.


Carolina: Down south, a hockey team is more successful than a basketball team. Wha?!

Florida: Wait. Weren't these guys in like last place last time I did this?

Atlanta: Changing coaches can apparently do a lot of good.

Tampa Bay: Seems to be confusing itself with Florida at the moment.

Washington: Well, what else do you expect from a team from Washington?


Western Conference

Detroit: As you were.

St. Louis: Keep singing.

Chicago: Third place? An accomplishment.

Columbus: Except...

Nashville: Maybe not.


Vancouver: Hey, first place again! Yay Canada!

Minnesota: So do the people in Minnesota care more about the Wild or Santana?

Colorado: Wonder if it's as cold there as it is here...

Calgary: Well, certainly colder here than Syracuse.

Edmonton: But given the lack of winning, this might be the coldest of all.


Dallas: Hey! Finally, some truth in advertising!

Anaheim: Seem to have decided that y'know, defending the holy grail Cup is not a bad idea.

San Jose: Muddled in the middle?

Phoenix: Hey, they're not in last!

LA Kings: But they are.


NBA

Eastern Conference

Boston: You can't get more 'running away with the division' than they are. Well, you can, but it's not likely.

Toronto: Treading water, which most years is enough to win the Atlantic.

New Jersey: Wait. So you lose six straight, five of which are at home or close by on the road and then go 3-0 on the West Coast? W. T. F. ?!

Philadelphia: Has the benefit of not being New York.

New York: *point and laugh*


Detroit: This city's got a thing for winter sports, doesn't it?

Cleveland: Heh, finally realized they were a playoff team last year, have they?

Milwaukee: I thought these guys weren't supposed to be as good without Allen?

Indiana: Dude, what happened?

Chicago: Michael Jordan is not pleased.


Orlando: You beat the Celtics? Thank you, my new #2 favorite NBA team!

Washington: Treading water, but without Arenas they quickly become the Titanic.

Charlotte: Well, for an expansion team...

Atlanta: Dude, I thought you were supposed to be good?

Miami: Not even the best team in Florida?!


Western Conference

Utah: Keep singing, dancing...

Denver: Melo's good, but the frosh Syracuse have might yet be...well, I can't say better, but...

Portland: You lost to the Nets at home?

Minnesota: Youch.

Seattle: Youch-ier.


Phoenix: Sun-nier.

LA Lakers: Kobe? You've gotta make those FTs at the buzzer.

Golden State: Finally picking it up.

LA Clippers: Noooo! C'mon, it sucks when the Lakers are better than you!

Sacramento: Dude, weren't you guys really good once upon a time?


San Antonio: Yea. You're not beating these guys.

Dallas: Cowboy up?

New Orleans: If only they played in the East...

Houston: Yao-uch. Sorry. Was waiting to be used.

Memphis: Well, you beat the Nets.

Wood and Ice (NHL and NBA Roundups, Weeks 6 and 3)

Okay, so first about this weekend--I'm going home, to NJ, to go to a wedding and staying for Thanksgiving. I'll do my best to post as normal, but this weekend might be tough.

Anyway.

NHL

Eastern Conference

Philadelphia Flyers: Still undefeated at home. Dang.

NY Rangers: Just one win on the road? Okay, dude, even the Devils are better than that.

NY Islanders: Finally realizing that it's not 1986, aren't you?

New Jersey Devils: Out of the basement! This is cause for celebration!

Pittsburgh Penguins: Aha, those are the Penguins I know and love...


Ottawa Senators: Losing to Carolina, I give you, but losing to Washington? Huh?

Montreal Canadians: Better than Toronto. All that matters, right?

Toronto Maple Leafs: Since I'm trying to be sort of family friendly, I'll refrain from commenting on the dude whose nude pictures have made an appearance on the internet.

Boston Bruins: Dude, guys, if you want people in Boston to care, even a little bit, you've got to start winning. No one else seems to have a problem doing it.

Buffalo Sabres: Just a shake of my head. Maybe it's the lack of snow?


Carolina Hurricanes: Best team to play south of the free state/slave state line.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Meh. 8-8 teams seldom inspire wit.

Atlanta Thrashers: Nor do teams from Atlanta. Except maybe the Braves circa 1995.

Florida Panthers: I don't know, something about 'hockey' and 'Florida' just doesn't sit right.

Washington Capitals: You beat Ottawa? What the hell are you doing in last place?


Western Conference


Detroit Red Wings: Why do they even bother playing the season?

Chicago Blackhawks: No, I am not sure I want to know what these guys are doing in second place...

Nashville Predators: ...Or these guys in third...

Columbus Blue Jackets: Or these guys dropping to fourth...

St. Louis Blues: But no one needs to explain this.


Colorado Avalanche: No love for the Avs, but respect for them finding their stroke.

Minnesota Wild: Keep the good times going.

Calgary Flames: Should be better, but hey, not Edmonton.

Vancouver Canucks: Well, at least the city's pretty.

Edmonton Oilers: Uhhh...


San Jose Sharks: Right where we'd expect them.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks: Apparently realized they actually need to win games to defend the Cup.

Los Angeles Kings: Again, WHAT are you doing better than the other Kings?

Dallas Stars: You disappoint me. Again.

Phoenix Coyotes: Go watch a basketball game.




NBA

Eastern Conference

Boston Celtics: Damned Irish. What gets to me is that I actually am finding a Boston team fun to watch, if not easy to stomach.

Toronto Raptors: In what universe is Toronto better at basketball than hockey? Oh. This one.

New Jersey Nets: Loss to Boston was given, loss to NO was sloppy. Injury to Vince is worrying but RJ's play is encouraging.

New York Knicks: Fire Isaiah? Or has that been said?

Philadelphia 76ers: Yeah. Umm. Proving sportswriters right when they pick you to lose isn't really a good thing.


Detroit Pistons: Yes, but can they keep it going all season?

Cleveland Cavaliers: in King James' court, you find ways to make it work.

Indiana Pacers: Sleeper team.

Milwaukee Bucks: Missing Allen, aren't you? And how the hell is Sam Cassell still playing?

Chicago Bulls: Dude. WTF?


Orlando Magic: Working the Harry Potter magic!

Charlotte Bobcats: In second? Wha? Can we say 'worst division in the East'?

Atlanta Hawks: Dude, the Bobcats are better than you.

Washington Wizards: See Atlanta.

Miami Heat: Well, you're still better than Seattle.


Utah Jazz: Keep singing your song.

Denver Nuggets: Dude, 'Melo, you have GOT to see this Donte Greene kid.

Portland Trailblazers: Not in last place!

Minnesota Timberwolves: Well, still less losses than Seattle.

Seattle Supersonics: So if you played against the Dolphins, would you lose that game as well?


Phoenix Suns: At least 'Zona has got one good team.

LA Clippers: Every day the Clippers are better than the Lakers, I smile a little more.

LA Lakers: Zen master needs to do some serious Zenning. Or trade Kobe.

Sacramento Kings: Ooh, finally won some games!

Golden State Warriors: Unlike these guys.


San Antonio Spurs: Dynasty, and right now probably the only team that can beat the Celtics.

New Orleans Hornets: Shouldn't have beaten the Nets, and those yellow jerseys are almost Pacer ugly.

Houston Rockets: Another sleeper.

Dallas Mavericks: Well, still better than Golden State.

Memphis Grizzlies: See if you can go play in the Eastern Southeast or the Northwest.

Swish! (NHL and NBA Roundup, Week 5 and Week 2)

First, the guys on skates!

NHL

Eastern Conference

New York Islanders: Still thinking it's the 1980s. Which is kind of scary.

Philadelphia Flyers: I have no brotherly love for them, but I am impressed as to what they've done. Lindros is supposed to announce his retirement soon...he was as tough as they came.

Pittsburgh Penguins: C'mon guys, you gotta beat Philadelphia for me!

New York Rangers: Well, going 5-1 in six tends to help your place in the standings, but the Devils SO should have beaten you!

New Jersey Devils: Dude, guys, you aren't the NY Jets, so stop playing like it. Understand?



Ottawa Senators: Thirteen and one? What are you guys smoking and can I PLEASE have some?

Montreal Canadians: A Canadian team is one of the elite in the East. I am down with that.

Boston Bruins: So eventually we're going to have to figure out if it's just the Pats and Sox and Celtics rubbing off on you, or if there really is something to the third place...

Toronto Maple Leafs: Parlez-vous francais?

Buffalo Sabres: Okay, now that it's officially @#$@#$ freezing in upstate NY, d'ya think maybe you might be able to start winning some games?


Carolina Hurricanes: Heh, this Carolina team can actually beat Phoenix.

Florida Panthers: Guess it's too much for Florida to have one .500 team, and no, the Jacksonville Jaguars don't count...(Okay, so maybe the Bucs are better than I thought but my point still remains).

Atlanta Thrashers: All the way up to third...I'm slightly worried that the Devils are still in last, then!

Tampa Bay Lightning: Dude. WTF?

Washington Capitals: You're disappointing my cousin.


Western Conference:


Detroit Red Wings: Sorry, 11-2 isn't 13-1!

Columbus Blue Jackets: Taking my advice, I LOVE it.

St. Louis Blues: Keep singing.

Nashville Predators: Not in last any more, be proud!

Chicago Blackhawks: Normally I'd tell people, hey, you got the Bulls...but, in this case, all I can say is, sorry man. Tough luck.


Minnesota Wild: It'll be really awesome to see these guys win a Cup some day, and it's going to be sooner rather than later.

Colorado Avalanche: Making a move. Guess it finally got cold out there as well.

Calgary Flames: Western Canada just isn't up to the level of Eastern Canada, which is weird, because in the US the West owns the East--athletically speaking, and narrowed to basketball and hockey, at any rate.

Vancouver Canucks: See above.

Edmonton Oilers: No words, just a shake of my head.


San Jose Sharks: Like the Red Wings, I can pen you in here.

Los Angeles Kings: WTF are you doing up here?

Dallas Stars: Yeah, I am so suing for false advertising. If you say you're gonna shave ice, well, shave it!

Anaheim Mighty Ducks: There's no written rule that teams can't win the Cup two years in a row, so why are you acting like it?

Phoenix Coyotes: Go watch the Suns.



NBA

Eastern Conference

Boston Celtics: We all knew it was gonna happen. Get back to me when you pul an Ottawa Senators.

New Jersey Nets: 3-1 and still with a negative point differential? Color me 'so not a fan of Toronto'.

New York Knicks: Two wins already? Color me impressed! Though, uh, in the future you might want to play a little defense.

Toronto Raptors: I still think it's weird you're in this division.

Philadelphia 76rs: Being labeled the only Eastern Conference team a certainty not to make the playoffs? OUCH!


Indiana Pacers: Welcome back to the top of the division.

Detroit Pistons: Doing better than Cleveland, you must be happy!

Milwaukee Bucks: I still don't think I know a single player on your team, sorry.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Huh? Didn't you like win the East last year?

Chicago Bulls: 0-4? Dang. Even the Jets didn't go 0-4. Though I guess the Dolphins and the Rams did...


Orlando Magic: Say hi to my brother for me. Which is a fancy way of saying that I really know nothing about your team, except you once eliminated the Nets from playoff contention.

Charlotte Bobcats: Last night's lost is going to sting, so it's a good thing you've already got some wins.

Atlanta Hawks: Thanks for letting the Nets beat you last night =D

Washington Wizards: Okay, the goal of the game is to win. 'Skins won't be playing in January. Trust me.

Miami Heat: ...Can it be possible for a city to go winless in two sports? That'd be...uhh...interesting...


Western Conference

Denver Nuggets: MELO!!!!

Utah Jazz: See my entry for St. Louis Blues.

Portland Trail Blazers: See my entry for Washington Wizards.

Minnesota Timberwolves: See my entry for Washington Wizards.

Seattle Supersonics: See my entry for Chicago Bulls. Also, not a good idea to announce a move to OKC while being winless.


LA Clippers: So the question is, how long can you remain THE team in LA?

Phoenix Suns: I imagine basketball is somewhat more popular in the desert than hockey.

LA Lakers: Trade Kobe already, okay?

Sacramento Kings: Well, one win is still one win.

Golden State Warriors: See entry for Chicago Bulls. Also, weren't you guys like actually good last year?


New Orleans Hornets: I am impressed, but seriously, what are they doing in the West? If you're east of the Gulf, you're EASTERN!

Houston Rockets: Yao, these guys are good. Sorry, that was my bad pun for the day.

Dallas Mavericks: 3-1 and third place? Damn, that's a good division.

San Antonio Spurs: See above.

Memphis Grizzlies: You guys got shafted. Sorry.

Jumpball and Shootout (NHL and NBA Roundup, weeks 4 and 1)

Terry Francona will be the manager of the AL All Star Team at Yankee Stadium.

Wow.


First off, we go with the guys on skates. Call it seniority, they've been playing longer.

Eastern Conference

Philadelphia Flyers: The winning? Good. The hitting? Bad. The color scheme? Ugly.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Wasn't too long ago that these guys were basement dwellers. Good to see them doing well for a change.

NY Islanders: Okay, dude, Islanders, I know you get the least coverage of the NY/NJ teams (well, at least in Jersey), but c'mon. Stop showing the rest of us up!
=P

NY Rangers: Apparently they've finally realized that winning games is a good thing. That, or that they're probably the only team capable of winning say, oh, more than 20 games in the Garden this winter.

NJ Devils: Dude, guys, you're playing at home, it's okay, you can win now. Please?


Ottawa Senators: Officially dubbing them the TEAM TO BEAT in the East.

Montreal Canadians: Just because you make it to Overtime doesn't mean it's okay to start losing.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Back up to .500, well done.

Boston Bruins: Still above .500, but probably the team in Boston no one cares about right now...

Buffalo Sabres: C'mon guys, you need to give Buffalo fans something to cheer about!


Carolina Hurricanes: I won't lie. It amuses me greatly that the sports team with the greatest success in the Carolinas is the hockey team.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Winning at home? Excellent. Not a single win on the road? Not so good. Even the Devils got three wins on the road.

Washington Capitals: Take a lesson from the Devils. You do eventually need more than just a goalie to win games.

Florida Panthers: What is it with Florida and losing sports teams?

Atlanta Thrashers: S--t. They now have more wins than the Devils. Good news, though, they still have more losses.


Western Conference


Detroit Red Wings: Why do they even bother playing the season? Just have them lace up in April, and all will be well. Detroit is hockey, and if it's not it pretty well should be.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Dude! You took my advice! SWEET!

St. Louis Blues: Keep it up and you'll play a few more games in April.

Chicago Blackhawks: Don't worry, the Bulls are going to start playing tonight, they'll put you out of your misery.

Nashville Predators: Well, there's still the Titans. For now,.


Minnesota Wild: Good. Better than Ottawa? Not yet. Could they be before season's end? Yes. Team to Beat in the West? Not while Detroit's still doing their thing, but certainly up there.

Calgary Flames: Finally realized it's hockey season, eh huh?

Colorado Avalanche: Sorry about the Rockies, guys. Don't worry, the Nuggets have 'Melo.

Vancouver Canucks: Winning on the road is good. Losing at home? That's both bad AND ugly.

Edmonton Oilers: I thought you guys played for the Cup in 2006? What happened?


San Jose Sharks: Well, if you've got 29 goals scored and 29 goals scored against, I guess that means you're the epitome of a .500 team. So why are you in first?

Los Angeles Kings: I thought you guys were supposed to be bad, is this a Halloween trick?

Dallas Stars: You disappoint me. Such a great advertising campaign, and you, so far, have failed to live up to it...

Anaheim Mighty Ducks: *insert lame A-Rod joke here*

Phoenix Coyotes: Should we start writing their team in fifth place with permanent markers?




And now, the NBA:

Eastern Conference


Toronto Raptors: You guys really miss Vince, don't you? I stayed at the Plaza hotel one night in NYC, and you guys were spending the night there, Carter's rookie season, but my dad wouldn't let me wait to get Vince's autograph.

Philadelphia 76ers: My brother's friend David, a 76ers fan, has this to say: "the 2007-2008 76ers will struggle to win 30 games and will be lottery bound."

Boston Celtics: Easily the most improved team in the East, but with everyone in Beantown still oogling over the Sox, the Patriots and BC, who will notice the guys in green before, say, February?

New York Knicks: Let me point and laugh. Every day you don't fire Isaiah is a day I laugh a little bit more.

New Jersey Nets: My team, and I mean my team. I followed this team back in 1998 and the lockout season of 99, and through all those baaaad years, so now that this team can win games on occasion, I feel that much more pride. Kidd, Vince and Jefferson are gold if they're healthy, and Kristic finally is!


Milwaukee Bucks: I know nothing about them, except that Sam Cassell once played there. The Packers are more entertaining for now.

Indiana Pacers: They miss Reggie, don't they? Maybe he'll come back and coach some day?

Chicago Bulls: Well, we all know they miss Michael, but at least now they seem to have finally, for certain, gotten over it.

Detroit Pistons: Hopefully last year's conference finals loss will put an end to that whole arrogant streak. Yeah, last year Cleveland owned Detroit...

Cleveland Cavaliers: Made it to the finals last year, a great step, easily the best of the east, but now they need to be better than the West. And King James rules.


Miami Heat: If you're a Heat fan, you better start praying the preseason wasn't a forerunner of the season...

Charlotte Bobcats: I know nothing about this team, sorry, but it is still an expansion team, right?

Washington Wizards: Using Harry Potter as a mascot? Good. Using Albus Dumbledore? Might ruffle a few feathers. Of course, I don't imagine they're using either, but it'd be a brilliant marketing strategy...

Atlanta Hawks: What is it with Atlanta and teams named for different types of birds?

Orlando Magic: See entry on Wizards.


Western Conference

Utah Jazz: Ascribing to the 'play game, win game' philosophy so far. For one game.

Seattle Sonics: Whoever correctly predicts where this team plays next year gets a present.

Denver Nuggets: 'Melo!!!!!! Seriously, the guy was amazing for Syracuse, and is STILL amazing. He donated enough for us to have a new athletic facility, and is more or less like a campus g-d.

Minnesota Timberwolves: No KG? Why am I gonna bother to watch?

Portland Trailblazers: Almost feel bad for them, because nothing seems to go right...


Phoenix Suns: Heh, I just remember a game when the Nets scored 75 against them in the first half.

Sacramento Kings: Don't know anything about them--don't even know if Webber's still playing. Still, they're better kings than the ones in LA.

LA Clippers: That "other" team in LA. If you think the Mets/Islanders have it bad in New York...

Golden State Warriors: Does Cinderella become an ugly stepsister this year?

LA Lakers: Jackson is the Zen master, but apparently he can't Zen Kobe. Oops?


San Antonio Spurs: Best team in the NBA, a true dynasty. I don't know if that should bother me, but it doesn't. Tremendous respect for the team.

Houston Rockets: Any time I think of this team I think of Yao.

New Orleans Hornets: First full season back in New Orleans, wishing nothing but luck for them. However, what, exactly, they're doing in the Western Conference I'm not sure I understand.

Dallas Mavericks: They'll be fine in the season, but what, exactly they do in the Postseason is still up for grabs.

Memphis Grizzlies: Know nothing about them, and I'm tired and don't feel like looking. Win a few games, guys, and I will.




Heard Joe Girardi on the Michael Kay radio show and loved what I heard. 2008 is gonna be great.