Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Adventures of Rocket Man

Like most of you guys probably are, I'm sick of hearing about things related, however remote, to the Mitchell Report. However, reading that the Congressional hearings will now be limited to Clemens, McNamee, Mitchell and Waxman presents an opportunity that's too good to pass up. (Please note that this is a lighthearted attempt to poke fun at a situation that really shouldn't be as important as we're making it. No offense is meant.)

Adventures on Capitol Hill

The day dawned, bright, cold, and with a foul-smelling air, as is like to happen in a city such as Washington.

Rocket Man, alias Roger Clemens, woke up with a start, and, try as he might, he could not wipe the hint of fear out of his eyes. Today was the day.

It was a long time coming, but today he would, for once and all, have to fight his long time arch-enemy Roid, alias Brian McNamee. This wouldn't be like any other fight or battle that Rocket Man had endured, for he was not allowed the benefit of his favorite weapons, strikes one, two and three, nor did he have with him the Bat Shard of Doom, which had been so useful in his win over Pizza Man (alias Mike Piazza) back in 2000.

Instead, Rocket Man would have to rely solely on his wits and presence of mind. Roid's strongest weapon was also Rocket Man's biggest weakness, and there was now no other way for Rocket Man to defend himself.

Rocket Man got out of his warm, comfortable bed. He made himself his special Rocket Fuel (tm) Breakfast, and drank a whole, healthy glass of orange juice straight from the great state of Florida. This was the base of his fuel, the base of his special Rocket Man powers, but it was not enough. He needed a way to make sure he could conserve his powers throughout the day, so he took a special Rocket Man B12 Vitamin out of a vial and washed it down with some water.

The next step for Rocket Man was, of course, to dress himself in his special Rocket Man outfit, but only after a quick shower--the Rocket Man outfit loses its power if the wearer has not showered or taken a bath before donning it.

To start, Rocket Man put on his special Rocket Man boxers, no doubt given to him by the one true love of his life, Rocket Girl. Over these, he donned his special Rocket Man pants. Normally white with pinstripes, these he had disguised for the occasion--they were long, falling to his ankle, gray, and bore the name 'Armani' on the label. Over an undershirt, he put donned his alias Roger Clemens blue button-down shirt, the same he had worn on other, similar occasions. Lastly, on his feet, he wore special, black, Rocket Man dress shoes. He was dressed and ready to go.

Being so far away from his home in Houston, however, Rocket Man was nowhere near the Rocket Mobile, so, alas, he had to make do with a simple taxi. It was a hard test, and zapped some of Rocket Man's fuel, though not his health as he refused to engage in conversation with the taxi driver (who was not aware of how little health Rocket Man had, the result of the months-long pre-battle rituals).

Arriving at Capitol Hill, Rocket Man was seized with a sudden sense of dread. It was here, then, that his Doom was to be decided.

Rocket Man was lead into a large chamber, full of unfriendly men and women known as 'Congress'; these were ardent supporters of Rocket Man's most bitter enemies, and yet, somehow, he would have to woo them. He attempted the Glare of Death (tm) a couple of times, but alas, it seemed to have no effect.

It was not long now before Roid entered, followed closely by his ally Reporter (Alias George Mitchell) and Judge Waxman, the man that would ultimately decide the fate of all involved. The three took their appropriate places, and it was Waxman that spoke first.

Waxman: On this day, 13 February 2008, we have come here to decide the Doom of Rocket Man and Roid. Let it be known that all decisions rendered here are final and may not be challenged, lest they destroy the enjoyment of the 2008 Season for all Americans. Do you so swear to engage in an honest and fair battle?

Rocket Man: That I would do, but I am afraid that my enemy has already engaged in tactics that are not to be found anywhere in the manual of 'Permissible Behavior for those Selected to Appear before Congress'. If he resorts to such outside tactics, how is it right that I should be limited to ones that have been not impartially labeled 'fair' and 'honest'?

Waxman: Roid, have you a response to these accusations?

Roid: I have told only the truth. I have not resorted to the playing of recordings of phone conversations, nor appearances on select TV newsmagazines.

Rocket Man: But you have kept syringes for six years, in beer cans. Health Master General would not approve, and yet you seek to belong to the League of the Celebrated Informant.

Waxman: I say, is this true?

Roid: What do you want me to do? Tell me, what do you want me to do?

Waxman: I want you to answer the accusations presented herewith and tell the truth.

Roid: Oh. In that case, the syringes I kept were in perfect keeping with the Guidelines for Congressional Informants Seeking to Avoid Jail Time.

Waxman: I say then, there is nothing faulty in this, and that Rocket Man, you accusation is unfounded.

Rocket Man glanced around. This is not how it was supposed to happen; he'd have to think fast lest his entire plan fall apart.

Rocket Man: Roid seeks to destroy me. I have accomplished more good than he ever will, and yet he seeks to bring me down, to tarnish my name, my records.

Waxman: But is it not true that those who truly do good do not care about how they are perceived, as long as the good that they do is well remembered?

Without knowing it, Waxman had dug himself into a hole and Rocket Man had the perfect, ready response.

Rocket Man: If that were true even in the slightest bit, we would not be here in this very room. For while the good I have done, vanquishing such foes as Pizza Man, is well remembered, it is the mere, false, accusatory perception of me using substances that are rightfully banned that has me fighting for the Dignity of my life, Dignity that if lost cannot be restored.

The chamber fell into silence. Rocket Man had done the one thing that everyone knew was coming, but somehow resisted: he had deployed the ultimate weapon. He had spoken the truth. Well, a truth, anyway...which presented Roid with a last gasp, a last try for victory over his ultimate foe.

Roid: You seek to tell the truth and yet you call the accusations levied against your use of rightfully banned substances as false, when we know this is not true. What, then, is the definition of truth?

Rocket Man: What, then, is the definition of 'is'?

A great clamor and much hubbub engulfed the chamber. Rocket Man had struck a nerve with the Congress in the background, for it brought back memories of a much different age, which some would call a better age, when their leader, the mysterious President, was a different man whose greatest fault laid in his infidelities. Many still mourned his loss and that they were responsible for his downfall. If ever there was a weakness to Congress, it was his memory.

Waxman: I say to you both, that the truth shall be defined as 'that which is not a lie.' Rocket Man, now knowing this definition, what say you to Roid's accusations?

Rocket Man: That they are untrue. If you seek to know for sure, I would gladly part with some of my Rocket Fuel blood, precious as it is to my powers, for you to test, in front of all these men. Better yet, I would let you test those syringes which you have kept, for the presence of the rightfully banned substances and my Rocket Man DNA!

Roid: But that is impossible! Such evidence will now have been long gone.

Waxman: You should have stored the needles according to the guidelines of the American Red Cross then, and not Guidelines for Congressional Informants Seeking to Avoid Jail Time. In this instance, in which there is no way to know for sure what the truth is, and in beloved memory of our departed President whose memory we have evoked herewith, I issue my judgment in favor of Rocket Man.

Rocket Man had won the day, but he could not celebrate. Roid had lost officially, but as he knew all too well, such foes often come back when least expected. He would have to remain on his guard. Yet, his wits had served him, and he had won, his Adventure on Capitol Hill had been a success.

TWO days to go! Just Two!


  1. Why am I reminded of Atomic Mouse who got his powers from taking U-235 pills?