Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Genie in a Lamp

(with much thanks to Jim Johnson of The Bronx Block who helped with many of these...)

The Scene: The clubhouse, Legends Field, Tampa Bay, Florida. All Yankees' players who played a noticeable role in the 2007 New York Yankees and have returned for another year are sitting on folding chairs in a circle. I, Rebecca, Optimist Prime, am standing in the middle with a Genie lamp. I start.

Me: Okay guys, so I got this genie lamp, bought it a cheap thrift place in Jersey. I tested it and it works--I mean, I'm standing here in front of you all right now, right?

Anyway, so I'm going to pass this around, and you all get one wish, and only one wish. You're not allowed to wish for more wishes, and you're not allowed to wish for the steroid/HGH thing to go away, because we ALL wish that and thus it wouldn't be fun to get the same thing over and over again.

We'll start in line-up order, then proceed to rotation, bench and bullpen. John-ny Da-mon, you're up first.

Damon: Leading off again? Well, if I have to...I wish for an end to the dress code and the ability to return to caveman.

Me: Mmm, long hair is very awesome, but at the same time, I'm not sure you want do something here you did back in Boston...

Damon: I won a World Series there.

Me: Nevermind. Grow that hair as long as you want. Mr. Captain, you're next.

Jeter: Just one wish? Are you kidding me? Okay, I wish...to have the girls over me like Tom Brady.

Me: They are.

Jeter: B-b-but he has Giselle.

Me: So, didn't you have Jessica Alba at one point? Shut it, enjoy it, and stop grounding into those damned double plays. Señor Abreu, Ud. es pròximo...

Abreu: Bien, bien. I wish...to conquer the wall.

Me: You mean, unless Jeffery Maier is in the first row, you're playing Baltimore and it's October.

Abreu: The fallacy in that argument is the idea of playing Baltimore in October.

Me: Point taken. A-Rod, how about an MVP wish?

A-Rod: I don't want the MVP. I want the World Series.

Me: Yes, but what do you wish for?

A-Rod: Hmmm...half price tickets for blo--

Me: You're married. Jorge, give me something good.

Posada: Okay...I wish to have a better season than last year, and some sort of urine-like cream to rub on my hands, without being actual, y'know, urine.

Me: I'm sure you can find it somewhere.

Posada: You think I haven't tried?

Me: Riiiight. Okay. Whaddya know, Robbie Canò, it's your turn...

Canò: Whaddya know, I hate that. I wish for the ability to run the bases.

Me: Oops, sorry. Best wish so far, in my opinion. Mr. Matsui, wanna see if you can outdo him?

Matsui: Okay, how about...knee replacement surgery.

Me: Is it really that bad?

Matsui: I'm not telling. I apologize for wishing for it, though.

Me: It's a genie lamp. You don't have to apologize. Giambino, you're shot.

Giambi: Okay, I wish to...actually play first base once in a while.

Me: Just don't get weird foot infections.

Giambi: That won't be an issue now...

Me: Ah, yes, how soon we forget. Melkman, vamos!

Melky: I would love a no-trade clause. I hate being bait. I end up smelling like fish.

Me: I don't like you smelling like fish, either. Right, that's it for the line-up, let's go to the rotation, and Wanger, you're up first.

Chien Ming Wang: I wish....to get rid of the strikeout.

Me: Tough luck changing the most basic rule of the game. Right then, Mr. Pettitte?

Andy Pettitte: To go out strong, no questions asked.

Me: Thanks for coming back. No questions asked. Mr. Mussina?

Mike Mussina: To find the corners.

Me: Sounds reasonable. Phil Franchise?

Phil Hughes: Some Alton Brown cooking before every game.

Me: Ah, right, you said you liked that guy on your blog!

Phil: You read my blog?

Me: 'Course I do! And if my stats don't lie, you read mine as well!

Phil: Stalker.

Me: Probably. Give the lamp to Joba here...

Joba Chamberlain: I'd love a never-ending supply of bug repellent.

Me: I know some people, I'll see what I can do. Mr. President?

Ian Kennedy: I'm not the President. Melky took my wish...but I guess I wish that I can convince everyone it's a good thing they didn't give me up for Santana.

Me: Hey man, I didn't want Santana for you or Phil. Willl--sooooonn?

Wilson Betemit: I wish to be able to hit from the right side.

Me: Hmm, I think a lot of us do as well. Good choice. Shelley? Please, no arm bash.....that hurt.

Shelley Duncan: Oops. I wish to take on Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. At the same time.

Me: You'd win.

Shelley: I know.

Me: I'd still pay to see it. Josè Molina?

José Molina: Nada. Happy is as happy does.

Me: You have to wish for something.

Josè: What do you think the back up goalie for Martin Brodeur wishes for? He's got the easiest job in the league...

Me: He probably wishes to play more than once a month.

Josè: I already do.

Me: Oh. Okay. Happy is as happy does. Going to the bullpen now, Mr. Farnsworth, you're up first.

Kyle Farnsworth: Do I actually need to say that I wish to find the @#$@#$ strike zone, and not lose it every other pitch?

Me: Probably not but you just did. Señor Veras?

Josè Veras: For people to appreciate that I actually do get people out once in a while.

Me: I do! Mr. Henn?

Sean Henn: To get an out. Any out. I'm not picky.

Me: That would be really, really nice. You could probably get me out, wanna try it?

Sean: Are you a major league hitter?

Me: I can pretend. Mr. Bruney?

Brian Bruney: To apologize to that chair.

Me: You're sitting on it.

Brian: Wha?

Me: I had it brought in special.

Brian: Okay. Listen, chair, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just having a bad day.

Chair: creaks

Me: Sounds like apology accepted! That leaves us...K-Ram, give us something good!

Edwar Ramirez: How about to not have to pitch with the bases loaded, ever again?

Me: Works great! And last, but certainly not least, the man of the hour, Mr. Sandman, Mo!

Mariano Rivera: I would love for everyone to read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and understand the true significance of 42.

Me: What a coincidence, I wish that too! I mean it is the answer to life...

Mo: ....The universe...

Me: ...And everything. Well guys, let's see if this lamp doesn't work as well for you as it did for me. Now, very last thing I got to do is make one more wish for myself, and that's to get out of here before the security dudes catch me....

And so I rub the lamp, wishing greatly to be teleported back to Syracuse, NY, where I have a chapter of neurology and two chapters of international law to read before the night's out, but the more I rub, the less that happens...so, having spent my one and only wish, I am trapped, here, at Legend's Field...

...Oh well, I might as well make the most of it...

Hey, dude, Jeter, can I take a couple swings with that bat?

EIGHT days to go!


  1. Very well done...
    You definitely are the resident Optimist. Very funny and well written piece, again. I still think you are going for the wrong Masters. Anyway very nice, I think you captured a lot of what might have been said...for real. 27/08

  2. Hah, and what Masters would you have me going for?

  3. Great post! I was laughing my butt off!

  4. That was a fun read. Thanks!

  5. That was most excellent!! I loved your "interview" with Sean Henn! :-)

    Thanks, Becca!

  6. Good idea and nice execution. Very well done story.

  7. Haha that was a great post, but now you've got us all expecting something that entertaining for the next 8 days!

  8. Where's LaTroy Hawkins in all this?

  9. Nate: He wasn't on the Yankees last year, if you see the introduction, only those that played a significant role on last year's team are included

    (because they're the only ones I know anything about!)

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    Toll Free
    UK: 0-808-234-6343
    US / Canada: 1-800-730-6373