Friday, December 28, 2007

Crystal Gazin'

Well, with 2007 wrapping up, I thought it's about time for some 2008 predictions...

Baltimore Orioles: Become the first team in history to lose a game by 35 runs. Finishes at about the same number games back of the Yankees and Red Sox.

Boston Red Sox: Someone hacks into and posts liberal rhetoric. Story is covered for three weeks with no interruptions by Fox News.

New York Yankees: Joba, Phil and Ian conspire to get Jeter to (finally) tie the not. The ceremony occurs at the Home Run Derby.

Tampa Bay Rays: Without the 'Devil' in their name, they go on a tear, finishing third in the division with at .500 record. (Also, the boldest prediction in the lot).

Toronto Blue Jays: Manages to keep their pitching staff healthy for the entire season, but it's not much use as the bats fail to do their bit.

Chicago White Sox: After losing 17-2 in Detroit, Ozzie Guillen attempts to go on one of his trade mark rants, but a nasty case of laryngitis prevents him from saying anything. Network execs at ESPN are baffled.

Cleveland Indians: In the ultimate karmic revenge, the October Midges prevent Kenny Lofton (still playing), from getting a two-out hit in game five of the 08 ALDS.

Detroit Tigers: Start out as the best team in the league, before Willis goes down with an injury and Miggy's fielding causes some game-costing errors, and then fail to win a game after the All Star Break, once again completing the collapse of the century.

Kansas City Royals: Out-perform the St. Louis Cardinals to become the best team in Missouri.

Minnesota Twins: End up starting the season with Johan Santana, who pitches to a .500 record at the break, and the team is thus unable to trade hime. Twins finish last in the division, inciting riots in the Twin Cities.

Anaheim Angels (I don't call 'em otherwise): No longer the best team in Southern California, they enter a deal with Disney to produce Angels in the Outfield: Roid Rage.

Oakland Athletics: Having fleeced Arizona, Billy Beane wins executive of the year, even as his team misses the postseason for the second year running after (again) injuries decimate the team.

Seattle Mariners: Ichiro becomes the first player in major league history to have eight hits in a nine-inning game, but the Mariners still lose.

Texas Rangers: As the team strives to repeat its 30-run performance, they forget that bit about pitching, so when 30 runs are scored in a game they play, it's the other team that scores them.

Atlanta Braves: Still trying to reclaim the glory of the 1990s.

Florida Marlins: With all the young guys from Detroit, the Marlins, right on their five-year schedule, re-appear in the World Series.

New York Mets: Still reeling from the worst-ever September collapse, the Mets go until June before winning back-to-back games. No discernible roster changes to the pitching staff, though Minaya does manage to sign a few +35 sluggers who spend most of their time on the bench.

Philadelphia Phillies: The defending NL East champions cannot beat the youth of the Marlins, but end up taking the Wild Card anyway.

Washington Nationals: In his first start with his new team, Tyler Clippard pitches a no-hitter.

Chicago Cubs: 100 years since 1908, they'll reach the NLCS, game seven against the Marlins, in Florida, where there's a guy with tickets on the 1st base line by the name of Steve Bartman...

Cincinnati Reds: Griffey's team continues to remain irrelevant, that is, until Bud Selig resigns and the new commish decides to maybe reinstate Pete Rose...

Houston Astros: Rocket announces his return and for the first time in history, pitches in same game as his son.

Milwaukee Brewers: They go back to being the Brewers of old.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Regret non-tendering Josh Phelps as he gets the hit that puts Pittsburgh out of division contention.

St. Louis Cardinals: The combined efforts of Albert Pujols and Rick Ankiel are not quite enough to carry the team past the all-star break.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Dan Haren goes down early with an injury, but the Diamondbacks, having spent their farm system to get him, are unable to cope.

Colorado Rockies: Last year's miracle team attempts to repeat the feat, but, sadly, is unable to win 21 of 22 games.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Scott Proctor is in hiding by June.

San Diego Padres: The Padres turn out to have completed the Off-Season move of the decade when Mark Prior pitches to a 23 game win mark.

San Francisco Giants: With no Barry Bonds, nearly everyone outside of the Bay Area simply forgets that this team does, in fact, exist.


  1. like the angels one :)

    and the math geek in me wanted to see the lowest score possible if ichiro got 8 hits in 9 innings. i came up with 16, but i'm still looking to see if i did it right.

  2. *giggles* I think there's a way it could actually be really low, but I'm not sure how to figure it out!

  3. link me.

  4. I kind of hope the Phillies get the NL East again. Because Mets fans are just so bitter about it.

    Oh, poor, poor Mets fans.

    But who would Jeter marry? And I like to think that Jorge and Laura try to set him up all the time :)

  5. Frankie Bag of DoughnutsDecember 29, 2007 at 1:53 PM

    Well now... Nothing in your analysis leans towards, or propagates into, feeding the archetypal, elitist Yankee fan attitude.

    It's interesting to read how you just mow down the majority of teams with a lazafaire lack of knowledge.

  6. Frankie--

    You really should learn to recognize a joke when you see one...

  7. Laissez-faire. "It is generally understood to be a doctrine that maintains that private initiative and production are best allowed to roam free..." {From Wikipedia}

    So, Franky, [1] If you are going to use big words to criticize someone, spelling them correctly helps your cause, and

    [2] Huh? Meaning that you are for a forced distribution of assets to break up the Yanks' (perceived) monopoly on winning? Beat it, ya (Marxist) loser!

  8. Andrea, maybe he'll "marry" himself, like Dennis Rodman did in that special ceremony quite some time ago ;-)